Trying to Live

A 18 year old guy, is supposed to have full of energy and vigour, but me, who is 18, wakes up everyday with zero energy, and no vigour at all. I'm going to school, and do what the world calls learn, but the pure fact is that this things I learn no longer intrigues me and no longer arouses my curiosity. Each day, I am living the same old routine and mundane life, nothing new to look forward to, nothing that makes my life feel fruitful and meaningful. The items that once used to make me feel that adrenaline rush, are either have been forcefully taken away from me, or no longer give me that adrenaline rush.
Many people when they first hear this will definitely tell me that I should think positive and look ahead, not get stuck in the past, and that my issues aren't real issues, as there are people out day everyday trying to fight for their basic needs of survival. I do know all these stuffs that you guys will tell me and ask me to 'wake up'.
I beg to differ. Even though I do have my basic needs to survive materially, I am fighting inside my head every single day to keep going on despite being in the state of despair and me on the verge of giving up. No, I am not fighting to live materially, no I am not fighting to have my basic needs to survive. What I am fighting for, is to actually live mentally, and to keep going on. What I am fighting for is trying to tell myself not to have any sucide thoughts.
Everyone tells me that I just need to hang in there for 6 more weeks and A Levels will be over, everything will be over and I'm free to do what I want to pursue. But that is far far away from the mere truth of me having to serve 2 years of National Service, whereby my basic materialistic rights are taken away from me and have to be earned. Do you know how scary it is and how much torture I'm going through when I am almost unable to live mentally, and on top of that, getting your basic materialistic rights taken away from you? When you see these basic materialistic rights taken away from you and you know they will take it away from you, and you are UNABLE to do anything about it? Unable to fight for myself to be given the opportunity of chasing my dreams, unable to even pursue what really intrigues me, and to top it off, get 2 years taken away from you, and you become a stupid brainless slave, doing what people order you to do, and you even need permission to sleep, need permission to rest, need permission to even go to the fucking toilet when you really need to. I'm not a primary school kid for damn sake, I'm almost 20 in a year's time.

I'm seriously tired of all these and burnt out. I don't know how to live anymore, and I'm really dreading and hating that NS is the next chapter of my life and there's NOTHING I can do to stop it from coming and nothing I can do to change to a different route.

A Levels & My Thoughts

Hey all!
Its been a long while since I've updated my blog, so here I am, back to update the blog. Today I'm gonna write about some of my personal concerns and let some negativity out of my head. The GCE-A Levels will start in November, 4 months from now and my preliminary exams are in about 5 to 6 weeks time. However, my recent results have been really bad because first of all, I do not have any  content in my mind, and this A-Level course is an extremely heavy content based course, so in other words, I'm in deep trouble. Another thing is that, no matter how i study, I have no idea on how to get that information into my head because nothing ever goes in. Whenever I start studying, I do not even know how to start. This causes me to procrastinate, and well, let my grades drop even further. I guess at this moment of time, what's done is already done. There's no use in thinking about the past or the future, but focus on the current moment and do what I can do in order to change the current situation I'm in. I think I'll have to take baby steps, start from the bottom again, slowly, and move up. I'm sure that I can do this, because I've done it before not only for studies, but for my bowling and golf, too. It's the process that counts. There are many ways to get there, no matter how long I take, and most importantly, as long I do not give up,
Studies aside, I spent 9 days of my June school holidays in Taiwan! Most of the trip was mainly sitting in the car, travelling from city to city though :/. So much for expecting a fun time... I managed to visit Taipei, Taichung, Tainan (YAY Tuzyu's hometown >,<), Hualian, Kenting, Kaohshiung. and some other small towns. The highlight of the trip was definitely Taipei 101, it still looks the same compared to the last visit I had 6-7 years ago, memories much. Another highlight was visiting the Dream Mall in Kaohsuing, one of the biggest malls in East Asia, not to mention I got myself a pair of long golf pants (Under Armour =D) that costs me $132 SGD, thanks to my dad for working so hard to earn money for the family, if not I would never be able to get a chance to have all these luxuries. Last but not least, I visited a shop called Black Tomato Steak at Ximending, Taipei, the waiter there was so hilarious! The way he explained the menu was so efficient and did not waste any time at all in helping me decide what I should have for dinner, best part was, he gave me the shop's name card and told me this in Mandarin : If you bring your girlfriend here the next round, I'll reserve the whole of the second floor for you and I won't tell your parents! Also, keep the name card as an safety charm (保安品）, heck he got me and my dad laughing  like hell.
Okay, till next time then, until I have stuff to write, or some emotions to let out... Cheers!!

A New Me!

Hey guys! Beens a Long while since I updated this blog, after all those negativity. So! Many things has happened, my Uncle had passed away 3 weeks ago, and I went for my Assessment for commando yesterday! What happened to my Uncle has gave me a lot of stuffs to think about, and also made me forget about all those negativity I had before. Right now, I'm still struggling like before, but this time after going thru something that had affected me internally, I've grown stronger. As Long I believe in myself, as Long there's a will, I will figure out the method to get myself back on track for my studies. As for my Bowling? I realised that even if I have a levels, I just need to start now, catch up and then remain consistent, then set aside some time, maybe 1 or 2hrs a week, or two weeks to go practice! That way, I will find an activity to release the stress from the studying, and I can use it like an incentive to make me motivated to study. I just need to believe in myself, change what's wrong and readjust my focus, and I'll be alright!! =)

I Hate This

In a month's time I have to stop my cca, which means I will not be allowed to bowl until my A Levels are over. I hate this so much. I hate it that I'm no longer allowed to fuel my passion, follow my passion and work hard on it. I hate it that the fact that I'm no longer able to work on my game and practice, no longer able to get better in Bowling in just a month's time. I hate that once I stop for these few months, I have to start all over again, restart from the beginning and all the effort and hard work is just gone like that. Why does my parents feel that I'm just Bowling for fun? I want to be more competitive in it, I want to give my shot at turning pro. Why do I have to stop Bowling because of a lvls, and then stop or have lesser time to practice for another 2 years because of serving the army? I really want to go and pursue my dreams and passions, I want to prove to people that my hard work has paid off, that you don't have to start a certain sport at a young age to turn pro. And the worse part is that before I can even get my shot at it, before I can experience it, before I can create an opportunity, it's gone. Just. Like. That. All my hard work and efforts, disappeared to thin air. I hate this lifestyle of mine. I hate that I'm not allowed to pursue what I really want, what my heart needs. I really don't want to see my bowling career end like this, or having to stop and build up everything again after 2.5 years of hard work.

A Note To Myself

I've always tried to help my friends whenever they need advice or help, but there's one person whom I gave advice to, where the advice was not a normal friend to friend kind of advice, but it was advice to a special someone that I really wanted to see her efforts and hard work pay off. Today, I would like to take a look back at the advice I gave her back then, and try to implement it to my own life, because these last few months of mine was really really s**ty and mainly because I kept lementing on how bad my situation was, but not trying to find the solution, like how I tried my best to find a solution for her. Back then, the advice I gave her was : you may have put in the effort, but the results dosent show. Maybe it's because you used the wrong method? How about looking back at how you prepared for this certain exam, and then see what went wrong that caused you to not do well despite all the efforts, why is it that you can learn a certain subject so well, but don't get any single bit of another? And when we talked about the aspect of parents stressing us out, Teachers stressing out and we ourselves stressing ourselves out, my advice was : they are stressing you out not because they intended to stress you out, but it's because they care, and they feel that what you're doing now may not be the best for you from their perspective. It's up to you if you would like to accept their advice, and if you think it will make you a better person, take it. We aren't living in a world of perfect, where stuffs always go your way. Sometimes, even when stuffs never go your way or how you expected it to be, you got to look back and ask yourself, is there anything that I could have done better? Was that the best I could have done given the circumstances back then? If your answer is yes, you should happily accept the result despite the failure, because there's nothing else you can do since you tried your best. If your answer is no, on the other hand, find out what's preventing you from doing the best you could given that circumstances and see how you can fix it. But if you're best is not enough, don't feel worthless, don't feel like you're stupid or anything, it's because you will most probably have done better than many others, and be in the top percentile. Although i was thinking about that special person abit while typing this, I think it's wee time that I should apply this advice I gave and I have to myself, because I already knew what to do, but I didn't use it on myself, and could still give this answer to that person. It's time for me to reflect, and read this particular post whenever I feel down, to see the advice I gave her, and also the advice I should be giving to myself, so I won't be defeated even if I fall over and over again. Peace out. =)

I Never Had The Guts To......

Hey all! I've been to busy with life the last few weeks, with my A Divisions for bowling occurring in a few weeks time, on the 18th of April, and also busy trying to ignore everything else and shift my focus to my studies and bowling only, but i feel that when i decided to ignore everything else, i ended up loosing many friendships, and even did something that may hurt a person i liked but never told her my thoughts to her... Today, i want to take a small note, that i wrote some time back, and even if she does see it or not, i just want to post it here, because, i realized that by ignoring so many people and trying to push everyone away just to readjust my focus, not only hurt them, but also hurt myself after i realized that for what i did, I've reached a point of no return... =(. So, here's the note!
21/03/16 12:56AM
Why do i cry because of you? Tears that come out without my control, without any trigger. Just thinking that there may be a chance I might never see you again, and having to let you go really really hurts. I thought that I was over it, but somehow, your messages made me realise that i really really like you, and if i'm bold enough, i'll say i love you, although i'm not ready to be in a relationship either. I just wanna protect you and be at your side through thick or thin. I really can't bear to loose you and see you go. 
So, thats the note i really want to share, after thinking back on what has happened the last few weeks, i realised that although i said that i wanted to move on and try to forget about her, she still pops up in my head from time to time, and i still think about her and care about her. I tried to be cold blooded, and get rid of that person, but I really regret stop contacting her and all, because, i still really like you, as what i wrote in that note few weeks back. And hence, the title of this post, I Never Had The Guts To tell you my deepest and truest feelings, and that i just want to see you be happy, and help you be happy and smile again if you're feeling down, or stressed out. I Never Had The Guts To tell you that I cried because i missed you and want to hear your voice, want to see you face to face. I Never Had The Guts To see you face to face, even if there was the opportunity, because i was worried i might break down when i meet you, i was worried that i'll mess up the conversation and that i was shy. I Never Had The Guts To tell you all these face to face, and lastly, I Never Had The Guts To tell you I had started liking you unconsciously. I Never Had The Guts To say, I Love You until today. 

21st March 2016, Monday

Right now, I am currently lying on my bed typing this post. This afternoon, I had my Economics Block Test, which I didn't study for until 4-5hrs before the paper started. But making use of those short 4hrs, I read up on some basics concepts, which would be sufficient to allow me to pass. However, 3 hrs after the composition of the paper, I realised that I had mixed up the concepts and in another person's words, "confused". But what really hit me is the fact that I could not even recall and remember what I studied 4hrs before the paper which really sucks. Every single time, whenever I do study for a test, no matter 1 day, 1 week or even 1 month beforehand, I always find myself screwing up at the moment of truth. It's like I know what I need to write, but I just don't know how. This applies for my studies too, I know I have to study, but I don't see any purpose in such kind of education and I've lost interest since 3 years ago. Yes, some people may tell me that I'm ungrateful that I don't appreciate this luxury I have, but I don't see any point in continuing such education which does not make me feel on fire, does not activate my drive, and most importantly, being useless in my future jobs in my perspective. Why does this system makes me feel so useless, so worthless and so stupid? And on top of that, there's some problems of the heart I have right now, and it's like every single thing that could go wrong, goes wrong all at the same time. It's like there's so many stuff I would like to tell the other party, like how much I miss her, haven't seeing her and having a conversation face to face in almost half a year. I don't want the other person to be burdened and I don't want to become a burden to her. I feel like, there's nothing I can do right, and like a useless piece of s***. I don't know what I have to do next, I don't know how to move on and stand up. It's like my best is always not enough. This isn't me, the 'me' I know, used to be very confident and kept pushing in all aspects of life including studies no matter how bad the situation, and I always believed that as long I persist, there will be a door for me to open. But, that feeling is no more, it's like there's no door even if I persist, it's like the saying 'When there's a will, there's a way' is not true! I don't know what to do now, but all I know is to continue to live, because no one is gonna wait for me to be ready, and I'll have to find the answers along the way and keep updating myself, if not, I'll be eliminated from this marathon that feels like a race called society.

12th March 2016, Saturday

This is a blog that will be all about my inner thoughts... May be controversial at times, but its just my own feelings and my own opinions, no harm or no criticism is intended, so let's begin.

Well, today, my school had an event called 'Celebrating Values Day'. It was a day where all my teachers were more relaxed, being able to mix around with us students, unlike the normal schooldays where they were the 'authorities'. So, i managed to speak to one of the teachers whom i really like, let's call him Teacher A, but he does not teach me at all. I mentioned to him about my troubles i had in school, being a huge huge procrastinator and not studying at all. I'm currently lagging behind in school, which I am on a quest to stop the bleeding, but after all, the final exam, which is A Levels and more importantly, my prelims are the 2 final goals. Talking about final exams, i remember one phrase that Sulli Breaks said on YouTube, "They test us with tests, but the finals are never Final." However, that is not the main point of this post. What i would like to touch on today, is the process of studying for the A Levels, because, well there's no such thing as a 'one fit all', which is apparently a very sensitive and controversial topic in my country, Singapore. Based on m promotional examinations last year, i did an risky experiment to really determine my strengths and my weaknesses. For Chemistry and Economics, i just ignored it, just read the lecture notes and that's it. For Math and Physics, i focused on summarizing my lecture notes, aka writing my own notes, and after that, i did the old tutorials and question papers, to test my understandings on those topics. If i felt it was not good enough, i 1. Improvised the notes i made, or 2. Read back the own notes and find out what was missing. Now, you're probably wondering what was the result of that experiment. I got U for both Chemistry and Economics, but got an A for my Maths and Physics. So yes, the other method was indeed useful and i was doing something right, but i didn't know what was done right. Well, now although that teacher told me to keep my own pace and try to catch up by June, but all my other teachers, let's call them Teacher B, was telling me to learn what they are going to teach the next day, such that i could understand what was being taught in class. However, the problem with this approach is that the A Level system is such that you needed Chapter 1 to be able to understand Chapter 2, and that Teacher B's advice would ultimately lead to me becoming more confused! On the other hand, the summarizing method that Teacher A agreed with, because that works for me the best, as seen from the Promotional Examinations, is extremely time consuming. But after much consideration, I have decided to take Teacher A's advice, because that is the best way for me to maximize my potential. The problem is, this system that the group of 'Teacher Bs' were behind and supportive about, the general trend, is not really meant for all. This is indeed a big flaw in the system, because there is no way 'one fits all'. I just would like to end off saying, i hope that more teachers can be more open minded just like Teacher A, because in this world of people with different types of people, with many unique personalities, there is definitely no such thing as a 'one fits all'. There may be stuff that fits the majority, but not all. Cheers! =)