Why do we fight?

A Levels has long gone and has been over for a month or so. I do not know if I did the best that I could possibily have done, but we will only find out the answer in 2 to 3 months time.
The month of December has been good to me, there have been ups, and there have been downs. I managed to train for Golf, and had my shot a Pro-Am tournament. Although I did not do that well overall, I did shoot my personal best score, and that round has shown me the answer I have been looking for, and that I do have indeed the potential.
Sometimes I wonder, why do we fight? Do we fight for ourselves, each man for their own, or do we try to fight for the greater good, please the people in our lives instead? Is it really good enough to fight for what we believe in, step by step, day by day, even if we don't see the results now? Will it ever work out? We never know, we can only work hard, and do our best, and go for what we believe in, work hard towards our asiprations and goals, our targets that we have set, and time will be the only answer. We might want it bad enough, but even when the opportunity presents itself, the circumstances may not allow us to go for what we want.
Many people live till 80, but die at 25. I do not wish to conform and live that kind of live, waiting for the workdays to end and the weekends, but I am forced to. Just the simple concept of National Service already shows that I am powerless against this cruel fate, and that things never go the way you want them to.
Stuff like BowlingVids has shown me that sometimes, if you fight for it bad enough, they will come. As much as I'd like to grow it even more, sometimes I feel like don't deserve it, and it is all luck. But, everything happens for a reason, and life has given you stuff within your capabilities to handle, even at times you feel overwhelmed.
I want to see how far I can get, how far I will go, and see how much I can achieve.

This time, I am placing a bet on myself, and I will control my destiny.

All Good Things Come To An End

Just as how Blogger used to be king, just as how stuff like our Nokia phones were the best in the market, all things must come to an end, be it good or bad.
As much as I hate to do so, I have to let go of all my feelings for the first girl I've ever liked, if not I would be constantly stuck in this vicious cycle of heartbreak...
This year, after choosing to repeat A Levels, yes, I gave it my all. 5 tuition sessions a week, sometimes even 6. Spending my whole June holidays having Chemistry Crash Course and whatsoever.
It hurts. It hurts during my Chemistry and Physics Prelim Paper 2 that I could not answer the questions despite recognizing the question types...
But, there is still 2 weeks more before Paper 1 and 3, so I hope I can do my best on those papers. That would be the Key Performance Indicators (KPI)...
It is intriguing that this chapter of my life is slowly coming to a close in a few months' time. Right now, these few months may feel extremely long and tiring, but hey, look how far I've come. In April, I felt that trying to make it to June was crazy tough, but it is already September in a few days' time. And when you look back, it feels like time really flies. It just will feel like that long one or two months will just be gone in a blink of an eye, and you can remember the experiences like yesterday.
As much as I am extremely stressed out and am on the verge of quitting, I want to go on and push on, and see how far I can get. You never know unless you give it a shot. Failing while doing your best, is much better than not even giving yourself the opportunity to fail at all. At the end of the day, it is ultimately a learning process and learning curve, a lesson to be learnt, to make us grow, and develop as a person.

Should this even be here?

I seriously don't know what to do anymore, I have tried everything I can, but it does not help. I might be 20, but i can say that i was already dead inside when i was 15... i am sick and tired of keep setting high expectations for myself, because that was what i was taught when i was young. i am sick and tired of setting high  expectations for myself that deep inside, does not matter to me, and does not make me feel alive. I felt like my life was never mine, despite people keep telling me that they will support me for whatever i did, i never once felt like i was even supported. Even when i did finally achieve what i wanted and showed that i made results, they would often be gone unnoticed and criticized. They would often state that my results was not from my own hard work, but due to the reliance i had on others and due to the hard work of others to make me do well, even when i struggled so much emotionally and i tried to hide it from everyone because i never wanted to let anyone knew i was struggling and i was on the verge of trying to give up and end my life when i was about to do so. In the end, i stayed alive despite not knowing how to hold through because i knew that if i did something to end my life, there are people who would feel so sad and blame themselves for my downfall, which honestly was all my fault because i let those stuffs affect me, and trying to hit goals and expectations of what people wanted to see, instead of what i wanted for myself. Slowly, those goals became blurred and i slowly accepted the fact that following the social norms was the only way to go. I gave up my A Levels last year, and failed badly. I decided to repeat, not because I really wanted the to do well and get into a university and all, but because i wanted to prove to myself that i had the discipline to do stuffs that i really hate and dont want to do, but looking at it at this point of time, it is not really working out well. im scared, and im really extremely scared of what may follow next. Would i fail all over again, and be classified as a useless piece of trash that my parents no longer want to invest into? Would i look like an idiot that i repeated again and then failed? I am also afraid about what will happen if i put in the effort. If i put in the effort and fail again, would there be any use? If i do pass and score really well for A Levels, and get into a university, what happens then? If i cannot take the stress, pressure and amount of work required to do for A Lvls, how about university? I would end up struggling further. I feel so dead inside, and i am trying to find reasons to live and survive each day, but i cant. I dont know if i can take it anymore, even if i do manage to survive physically, i dont know what will happen. i am very afraid about who i will become and what kind of monster i will turn into anymore. I dont even know who am i, and what i really want of myself anymore. all my current goals and 'dream' to become a pro bowler, honestly, it is just a simple escape and method for me to run away from reality. Who am I, what is my identity and what represents me as a person? I dont really know anymore because i am so messed up inside. I am just a person who has been given a name, just trying to act everything is alright and that i have a certain goal and target to achieve, but whenever i am told to write a letter to myself, i dont know what to write, because i didnt knew and never knew who i really am inside since i was 15 or so.... i lost myself.