21st March 2016, Monday

Right now, I am currently lying on my bed typing this post. This afternoon, I had my Economics Block Test, which I didn't study for until 4-5hrs before the paper started. But making use of those short 4hrs, I read up on some basics concepts, which would be sufficient to allow me to pass. However, 3 hrs after the composition of the paper, I realised that I had mixed up the concepts and in another person's words, "confused". But what really hit me is the fact that I could not even recall and remember what I studied 4hrs before the paper which really sucks. Every single time, whenever I do study for a test, no matter 1 day, 1 week or even 1 month beforehand, I always find myself screwing up at the moment of truth. It's like I know what I need to write, but I just don't know how. This applies for my studies too, I know I have to study, but I don't see any purpose in such kind of education and I've lost interest since 3 years ago. Yes, some people may tell me that I'm ungrateful that I don't appreciate this luxury I have, but I don't see any point in continuing such education which does not make me feel on fire, does not activate my drive, and most importantly, being useless in my future jobs in my perspective. Why does this system makes me feel so useless, so worthless and so stupid? And on top of that, there's some problems of the heart I have right now, and it's like every single thing that could go wrong, goes wrong all at the same time. It's like there's so many stuff I would like to tell the other party, like how much I miss her, haven't seeing her and having a conversation face to face in almost half a year. I don't want the other person to be burdened and I don't want to become a burden to her. I feel like, there's nothing I can do right, and like a useless piece of s***. I don't know what I have to do next, I don't know how to move on and stand up. It's like my best is always not enough. This isn't me, the 'me' I know, used to be very confident and kept pushing in all aspects of life including studies no matter how bad the situation, and I always believed that as long I persist, there will be a door for me to open. But, that feeling is no more, it's like there's no door even if I persist, it's like the saying 'When there's a will, there's a way' is not true! I don't know what to do now, but all I know is to continue to live, because no one is gonna wait for me to be ready, and I'll have to find the answers along the way and keep updating myself, if not, I'll be eliminated from this marathon that feels like a race called society.

12th March 2016, Saturday

This is a blog that will be all about my inner thoughts... May be controversial at times, but its just my own feelings and my own opinions, no harm or no criticism is intended, so let's begin.

Well, today, my school had an event called 'Celebrating Values Day'. It was a day where all my teachers were more relaxed, being able to mix around with us students, unlike the normal schooldays where they were the 'authorities'. So, i managed to speak to one of the teachers whom i really like, let's call him Teacher A, but he does not teach me at all. I mentioned to him about my troubles i had in school, being a huge huge procrastinator and not studying at all. I'm currently lagging behind in school, which I am on a quest to stop the bleeding, but after all, the final exam, which is A Levels and more importantly, my prelims are the 2 final goals. Talking about final exams, i remember one phrase that Sulli Breaks said on YouTube, "They test us with tests, but the finals are never Final." However, that is not the main point of this post. What i would like to touch on today, is the process of studying for the A Levels, because, well there's no such thing as a 'one fit all', which is apparently a very sensitive and controversial topic in my country, Singapore. Based on m promotional examinations last year, i did an risky experiment to really determine my strengths and my weaknesses. For Chemistry and Economics, i just ignored it, just read the lecture notes and that's it. For Math and Physics, i focused on summarizing my lecture notes, aka writing my own notes, and after that, i did the old tutorials and question papers, to test my understandings on those topics. If i felt it was not good enough, i 1. Improvised the notes i made, or 2. Read back the own notes and find out what was missing. Now, you're probably wondering what was the result of that experiment. I got U for both Chemistry and Economics, but got an A for my Maths and Physics. So yes, the other method was indeed useful and i was doing something right, but i didn't know what was done right. Well, now although that teacher told me to keep my own pace and try to catch up by June, but all my other teachers, let's call them Teacher B, was telling me to learn what they are going to teach the next day, such that i could understand what was being taught in class. However, the problem with this approach is that the A Level system is such that you needed Chapter 1 to be able to understand Chapter 2, and that Teacher B's advice would ultimately lead to me becoming more confused! On the other hand, the summarizing method that Teacher A agreed with, because that works for me the best, as seen from the Promotional Examinations, is extremely time consuming. But after much consideration, I have decided to take Teacher A's advice, because that is the best way for me to maximize my potential. The problem is, this system that the group of 'Teacher Bs' were behind and supportive about, the general trend, is not really meant for all. This is indeed a big flaw in the system, because there is no way 'one fits all'. I just would like to end off saying, i hope that more teachers can be more open minded just like Teacher A, because in this world of people with different types of people, with many unique personalities, there is definitely no such thing as a 'one fits all'. There may be stuff that fits the majority, but not all. Cheers! =)