Why do we fight?

A Levels has long gone and has been over for a month or so. I do not know if I did the best that I could possibily have done, but we will only find out the answer in 2 to 3 months time.
The month of December has been good to me, there have been ups, and there have been downs. I managed to train for Golf, and had my shot a Pro-Am tournament. Although I did not do that well overall, I did shoot my personal best score, and that round has shown me the answer I have been looking for, and that I do have indeed the potential.
Sometimes I wonder, why do we fight? Do we fight for ourselves, each man for their own, or do we try to fight for the greater good, please the people in our lives instead? Is it really good enough to fight for what we believe in, step by step, day by day, even if we don't see the results now? Will it ever work out? We never know, we can only work hard, and do our best, and go for what we believe in, work hard towards our asiprations and goals, our targets that we have set, and time will be the only answer. We might want it bad enough, but even when the opportunity presents itself, the circumstances may not allow us to go for what we want.
Many people live till 80, but die at 25. I do not wish to conform and live that kind of live, waiting for the workdays to end and the weekends, but I am forced to. Just the simple concept of National Service already shows that I am powerless against this cruel fate, and that things never go the way you want them to.
Stuff like BowlingVids has shown me that sometimes, if you fight for it bad enough, they will come. As much as I'd like to grow it even more, sometimes I feel like don't deserve it, and it is all luck. But, everything happens for a reason, and life has given you stuff within your capabilities to handle, even at times you feel overwhelmed.
I want to see how far I can get, how far I will go, and see how much I can achieve.

This time, I am placing a bet on myself, and I will control my destiny.

All Good Things Come To An End

Just as how Blogger used to be king, just as how stuff like our Nokia phones were the best in the market, all things must come to an end, be it good or bad.
As much as I hate to do so, I have to let go of all my feelings for the first girl I've ever liked, if not I would be constantly stuck in this vicious cycle of heartbreak...
This year, after choosing to repeat A Levels, yes, I gave it my all. 5 tuition sessions a week, sometimes even 6. Spending my whole June holidays having Chemistry Crash Course and whatsoever.
It hurts. It hurts during my Chemistry and Physics Prelim Paper 2 that I could not answer the questions despite recognizing the question types...
But, there is still 2 weeks more before Paper 1 and 3, so I hope I can do my best on those papers. That would be the Key Performance Indicators (KPI)...
It is intriguing that this chapter of my life is slowly coming to a close in a few months' time. Right now, these few months may feel extremely long and tiring, but hey, look how far I've come. In April, I felt that trying to make it to June was crazy tough, but it is already September in a few days' time. And when you look back, it feels like time really flies. It just will feel like that long one or two months will just be gone in a blink of an eye, and you can remember the experiences like yesterday.
As much as I am extremely stressed out and am on the verge of quitting, I want to go on and push on, and see how far I can get. You never know unless you give it a shot. Failing while doing your best, is much better than not even giving yourself the opportunity to fail at all. At the end of the day, it is ultimately a learning process and learning curve, a lesson to be learnt, to make us grow, and develop as a person.

Should this even be here?

I seriously don't know what to do anymore, I have tried everything I can, but it does not help. I might be 20, but i can say that i was already dead inside when i was 15... i am sick and tired of keep setting high expectations for myself, because that was what i was taught when i was young. i am sick and tired of setting high  expectations for myself that deep inside, does not matter to me, and does not make me feel alive. I felt like my life was never mine, despite people keep telling me that they will support me for whatever i did, i never once felt like i was even supported. Even when i did finally achieve what i wanted and showed that i made results, they would often be gone unnoticed and criticized. They would often state that my results was not from my own hard work, but due to the reliance i had on others and due to the hard work of others to make me do well, even when i struggled so much emotionally and i tried to hide it from everyone because i never wanted to let anyone knew i was struggling and i was on the verge of trying to give up and end my life when i was about to do so. In the end, i stayed alive despite not knowing how to hold through because i knew that if i did something to end my life, there are people who would feel so sad and blame themselves for my downfall, which honestly was all my fault because i let those stuffs affect me, and trying to hit goals and expectations of what people wanted to see, instead of what i wanted for myself. Slowly, those goals became blurred and i slowly accepted the fact that following the social norms was the only way to go. I gave up my A Levels last year, and failed badly. I decided to repeat, not because I really wanted the to do well and get into a university and all, but because i wanted to prove to myself that i had the discipline to do stuffs that i really hate and dont want to do, but looking at it at this point of time, it is not really working out well. im scared, and im really extremely scared of what may follow next. Would i fail all over again, and be classified as a useless piece of trash that my parents no longer want to invest into? Would i look like an idiot that i repeated again and then failed? I am also afraid about what will happen if i put in the effort. If i put in the effort and fail again, would there be any use? If i do pass and score really well for A Levels, and get into a university, what happens then? If i cannot take the stress, pressure and amount of work required to do for A Lvls, how about university? I would end up struggling further. I feel so dead inside, and i am trying to find reasons to live and survive each day, but i cant. I dont know if i can take it anymore, even if i do manage to survive physically, i dont know what will happen. i am very afraid about who i will become and what kind of monster i will turn into anymore. I dont even know who am i, and what i really want of myself anymore. all my current goals and 'dream' to become a pro bowler, honestly, it is just a simple escape and method for me to run away from reality. Who am I, what is my identity and what represents me as a person? I dont really know anymore because i am so messed up inside. I am just a person who has been given a name, just trying to act everything is alright and that i have a certain goal and target to achieve, but whenever i am told to write a letter to myself, i dont know what to write, because i didnt knew and never knew who i really am inside since i was 15 or so.... i lost myself.

Trying to Live

A 18 year old guy, is supposed to have full of energy and vigour, but me, who is 18, wakes up everyday with zero energy, and no vigour at all. I'm going to school, and do what the world calls learn, but the pure fact is that this things I learn no longer intrigues me and no longer arouses my curiosity. Each day, I am living the same old routine and mundane life, nothing new to look forward to, nothing that makes my life feel fruitful and meaningful. The items that once used to make me feel that adrenaline rush, are either have been forcefully taken away from me, or no longer give me that adrenaline rush.
Many people when they first hear this will definitely tell me that I should think positive and look ahead, not get stuck in the past, and that my issues aren't real issues, as there are people out day everyday trying to fight for their basic needs of survival. I do know all these stuffs that you guys will tell me and ask me to 'wake up'.
I beg to differ. Even though I do have my basic needs to survive materially, I am fighting inside my head every single day to keep going on despite being in the state of despair and me on the verge of giving up. No, I am not fighting to live materially, no I am not fighting to have my basic needs to survive. What I am fighting for, is to actually live mentally, and to keep going on. What I am fighting for is trying to tell myself not to have any sucide thoughts.
Everyone tells me that I just need to hang in there for 6 more weeks and A Levels will be over, everything will be over and I'm free to do what I want to pursue. But that is far far away from the mere truth of me having to serve 2 years of National Service, whereby my basic materialistic rights are taken away from me and have to be earned. Do you know how scary it is and how much torture I'm going through when I am almost unable to live mentally, and on top of that, getting your basic materialistic rights taken away from you? When you see these basic materialistic rights taken away from you and you know they will take it away from you, and you are UNABLE to do anything about it? Unable to fight for myself to be given the opportunity of chasing my dreams, unable to even pursue what really intrigues me, and to top it off, get 2 years taken away from you, and you become a stupid brainless slave, doing what people order you to do, and you even need permission to sleep, need permission to rest, need permission to even go to the fucking toilet when you really need to. I'm not a primary school kid for damn sake, I'm almost 20 in a year's time.

I'm seriously tired of all these and burnt out. I don't know how to live anymore, and I'm really dreading and hating that NS is the next chapter of my life and there's NOTHING I can do to stop it from coming and nothing I can do to change to a different route.

A Levels & My Thoughts

Hey all!
Its been a long while since I've updated my blog, so here I am, back to update the blog. Today I'm gonna write about some of my personal concerns and let some negativity out of my head. The GCE-A Levels will start in November, 4 months from now and my preliminary exams are in about 5 to 6 weeks time. However, my recent results have been really bad because first of all, I do not have any  content in my mind, and this A-Level course is an extremely heavy content based course, so in other words, I'm in deep trouble. Another thing is that, no matter how i study, I have no idea on how to get that information into my head because nothing ever goes in. Whenever I start studying, I do not even know how to start. This causes me to procrastinate, and well, let my grades drop even further. I guess at this moment of time, what's done is already done. There's no use in thinking about the past or the future, but focus on the current moment and do what I can do in order to change the current situation I'm in. I think I'll have to take baby steps, start from the bottom again, slowly, and move up. I'm sure that I can do this, because I've done it before not only for studies, but for my bowling and golf, too. It's the process that counts. There are many ways to get there, no matter how long I take, and most importantly, as long I do not give up,
Studies aside, I spent 9 days of my June school holidays in Taiwan! Most of the trip was mainly sitting in the car, travelling from city to city though :/. So much for expecting a fun time... I managed to visit Taipei, Taichung, Tainan (YAY Tuzyu's hometown >,<), Hualian, Kenting, Kaohshiung. and some other small towns. The highlight of the trip was definitely Taipei 101, it still looks the same compared to the last visit I had 6-7 years ago, memories much. Another highlight was visiting the Dream Mall in Kaohsuing, one of the biggest malls in East Asia, not to mention I got myself a pair of long golf pants (Under Armour =D) that costs me $132 SGD, thanks to my dad for working so hard to earn money for the family, if not I would never be able to get a chance to have all these luxuries. Last but not least, I visited a shop called Black Tomato Steak at Ximending, Taipei, the waiter there was so hilarious! The way he explained the menu was so efficient and did not waste any time at all in helping me decide what I should have for dinner, best part was, he gave me the shop's name card and told me this in Mandarin : If you bring your girlfriend here the next round, I'll reserve the whole of the second floor for you and I won't tell your parents! Also, keep the name card as an safety charm (保安品）, heck he got me and my dad laughing  like hell.
Okay, till next time then, until I have stuff to write, or some emotions to let out... Cheers!!

A New Me!

Hey guys! Beens a Long while since I updated this blog, after all those negativity. So! Many things has happened, my Uncle had passed away 3 weeks ago, and I went for my Assessment for commando yesterday! What happened to my Uncle has gave me a lot of stuffs to think about, and also made me forget about all those negativity I had before. Right now, I'm still struggling like before, but this time after going thru something that had affected me internally, I've grown stronger. As Long I believe in myself, as Long there's a will, I will figure out the method to get myself back on track for my studies. As for my Bowling? I realised that even if I have a levels, I just need to start now, catch up and then remain consistent, then set aside some time, maybe 1 or 2hrs a week, or two weeks to go practice! That way, I will find an activity to release the stress from the studying, and I can use it like an incentive to make me motivated to study. I just need to believe in myself, change what's wrong and readjust my focus, and I'll be alright!! =)

I Hate This

In a month's time I have to stop my cca, which means I will not be allowed to bowl until my A Levels are over. I hate this so much. I hate it that I'm no longer allowed to fuel my passion, follow my passion and work hard on it. I hate it that the fact that I'm no longer able to work on my game and practice, no longer able to get better in Bowling in just a month's time. I hate that once I stop for these few months, I have to start all over again, restart from the beginning and all the effort and hard work is just gone like that. Why does my parents feel that I'm just Bowling for fun? I want to be more competitive in it, I want to give my shot at turning pro. Why do I have to stop Bowling because of a lvls, and then stop or have lesser time to practice for another 2 years because of serving the army? I really want to go and pursue my dreams and passions, I want to prove to people that my hard work has paid off, that you don't have to start a certain sport at a young age to turn pro. And the worse part is that before I can even get my shot at it, before I can experience it, before I can create an opportunity, it's gone. Just. Like. That. All my hard work and efforts, disappeared to thin air. I hate this lifestyle of mine. I hate that I'm not allowed to pursue what I really want, what my heart needs. I really don't want to see my bowling career end like this, or having to stop and build up everything again after 2.5 years of hard work.