21st March 2016, Monday

Right now, I am currently lying on my bed typing this post. This afternoon, I had my Economics Block Test, which I didn't study for until 4-5hrs before the paper started. But making use of those short 4hrs, I read up on some basics concepts, which would be sufficient to allow me to pass. However, 3 hrs after the composition of the paper, I realised that I had mixed up the concepts and in another person's words, "confused". But what really hit me is the fact that I could not even recall and remember what I studied 4hrs before the paper which really sucks. Every single time, whenever I do study for a test, no matter 1 day, 1 week or even 1 month beforehand, I always find myself screwing up at the moment of truth. It's like I know what I need to write, but I just don't know how. This applies for my studies too, I know I have to study, but I don't see any purpose in such kind of education and I've lost interest since 3 years ago. Yes, some people may tell me that I'm ungrateful that I don't appreciate this luxury I have, but I don't see any point in continuing such education which does not make me feel on fire, does not activate my drive, and most importantly, being useless in my future jobs in my perspective. Why does this system makes me feel so useless, so worthless and so stupid? And on top of that, there's some problems of the heart I have right now, and it's like every single thing that could go wrong, goes wrong all at the same time. It's like there's so many stuff I would like to tell the other party, like how much I miss her, haven't seeing her and having a conversation face to face in almost half a year. I don't want the other person to be burdened and I don't want to become a burden to her. I feel like, there's nothing I can do right, and like a useless piece of s***. I don't know what I have to do next, I don't know how to move on and stand up. It's like my best is always not enough. This isn't me, the 'me' I know, used to be very confident and kept pushing in all aspects of life including studies no matter how bad the situation, and I always believed that as long I persist, there will be a door for me to open. But, that feeling is no more, it's like there's no door even if I persist, it's like the saying 'When there's a will, there's a way' is not true! I don't know what to do now, but all I know is to continue to live, because no one is gonna wait for me to be ready, and I'll have to find the answers along the way and keep updating myself, if not, I'll be eliminated from this marathon that feels like a race called society.